So Frustrated!!!

So yesterday I was 23 weeks pregnant. This is an exciting place to be, but I could not get myself even remotely excited about anything yesterday. I don't know if it is just pregnancy hormones or if I'm just depressed, but I can't seem to get out of this funk I'm in. I do so much all day long and it looks like I've done nothing. Of course if it looks like I've done nothing people are going to assume that to be true, (even though it is far from it)there just seems to be no appreciation for the wife/mother anymore. No one says this to me, but I can sense it in the air around me. It is so frustrating. I'm miserably pregnant with my fourth child and each pregnancy has been harder and harder because I've been larger and larger with each one. I'm definitely grateful to be having my little Olivia, I just wish I wasn't so miserable. This on top of the worthless feeling I have trying so hard at home and never succeeding is leaving me feeling like absolute crap. It makes me wonder if this is the way most women at home feel or if it is just me. I also wonder if on any given day I can walk into other SAHM's homes and expect to see a mess just like mine or if my house is truly always as bad as it seems to be. I can't get past these feelings of awful guilt at what a bad job I think I'm doing at home. If I didn't have spots in my home (such as the carpets) that just refuse to come clean no matter how hard I scrub, I wouldn't feel so bad, but I do have such terrible messes that just refuse to come clean and it leaves me feeling dirty all day long even if I do manage to keep the house picked up and clean for more than 10min. I thought that things would get better once all the big kids went back to school, but now all my kids are sick. School germs are the worst. I hate to complain so much. In my heart I know I'm blessed beyond all measure. I just wish I could get my body and mind to realize the same thing. Anyways I guess I've rambled enough.

It's a girl!!

Okay so I went for my ultrasound today @ 20 weeks and 2 days!! What do you know? It's another little girl. I am so psyched. They said everything looked great!! She was 11 oz. The profile of her little face looked identical to Avi's!! I can not even begin to tell you how excited I am. Her name will be Olivia Rose!! Kollin came up with Olivia so we had to stick with it!! I happened to ask him one day what a good name for our baby would be if it was a girl and he just popped Olivia right out! So Olivia it is. Rose is in honor of my Nana Rosie. My great grandmother. Such a wonderful woman. She passed away from cancer when I was in the 5th grade. Anyways, I know I don't update often, but maybe enough people read it for me to bother now and then. Goodnight for now!! P.S. poor Hunter wanted a baby brother, but I think he's okay with the idea of another baby sister!! I thought that was funny!!

Still hanging in!!

Well, it's been a while, but I am still here. Everything is going pretty well. I can't complain too much. I'm 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant today. Almost through the first trimester. It's going really fast. I don't have too much time to dwell on it. The boys and Avi keep me running all the time. I am also babysitting some now so that keeps me quite busy as well. It's good practice for when my new little bit gets here. I am watching a 3 month old little girl and a 5 year old little boy. I'm also going to be watching another little feller here soon. Starting tomorrow I think. He is no trouble at all though so hopefully I will manage. I stay so busy now that I don't have time to think straight on most days, but I keep telling myself that it's all gonna work itself out. On my good days anyway. On my bad days I'm not quite so full of sunshine, but I try to keep them at a minimum. I do have to say that I'm upset about the whole weight gain aspect of pregnancy right now. I am starting this pregnancy at my highest weight ever and I was trying to work on that before now, but that obviously has to be put on hold. I'm going to try very hard not to gain a whole lot of weight, but that is definitely more easily said than done. Oh well, I'll try to update a little sooner next time. Hope your all doing well!!

I'm having another baby!!!

Well for those of you who don't already know. I'm having another baby. I know a lot of people will think we've lost our minds but I don't really care too much what everyone else thinks. Well that's not altogether true, but I mostly don't care what others think. I'm due Dec.11th according to my last period. I go to the doc on the 11th to find out for sure. The first test I took turned bright pink the second the my urine touched it. Like most women I had to have another test so I sent my honey out for the expensive ones that say the words pregnant or not pregnant. The first one I took didn't have but a few drops of urine on it and it still said pregnant. I of course took one more that said pregnant as well. So....I assume that I am in fact pregnant. I have been to the doc's office one, but they are just going with my last period for the dates. That could be off by a day or two. I'm not 100% certain about my dates, but I'm mostly sure. I decided however not to go to the doctor's office that I went to that day for cost issues. They don't have in office u/s's so I decided to find someone that did so that I did not have to have a lot of outpatient visits to the hospital which would have cost me more money. I do get to have my first appointment with my new doc with an u/s on May 11th. I'll have more information about everything then. As a lot of you probably know this will be my fourth c-section which is in itself a little bit risky. Everybody pray that everything goes well. I would like to welcome all well wishers to comment and I would also like to ask that if you have nothing nice to say I certainly would rather you keep it to yourself. A lot of people have no appreciation for someone having a fourth child. I don't know why. As if it's anybody's business but our own. I'm a grown married woman having babies with my husband. It could certainly be a much worse situation. As is we're excited to welcome a new little Graves into the family. We'll be happy with a boy or a girl. We would however be super excited for Avi to be able to have a little sister to play with, but our biggest wish is simply for a healthy little onw and everything else will fall into place. We are very excited about our growing family. We hope you'll be excited for us as well!!!

Three more gone!!

Okay so I was gonna update my little weightloss ticker thingy, but I couldn't remember my stinking pin number. How silly is that? I swear I don't even remember making a pin number for it. I would of only used two sets of numbers, which neither worked. Oh well. I have three more lbs gone. To tell you the truth I'd been cheating. Having my Sundrop a lot more often than I should have. I think that because I'm home now I am constantly up and doing something. Making a meal, or cleaning something. I am up all day. Before, when I worked outside of the home, I would sit in my nice little teller chair and I didn't have to get up very much. When I got home I used the fact that I had worked that day as an excuse not to have to get up and do much of anything other than a touch of straightening up and getting something for supper. So I think that I'm just much more active now. At least I hope that is what is doing it. I would love to think that all this housework was helping me hang on to some of my other bad habits and still lose weight....of course it could just be a quirk and I may be kidding myself, but let's all keep our fingers crossed.

General update

Well I wish I could update something exciting, but the truth of the matter is that I have no life. Don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly happy having no life. No drama is fantastic in my eyes. I sit at home everyday with my beautiful babies and I love it. My house is actually clean and I would not be embarrassed if someone stopped by to visit. That would not have been the case a few months ago. I just pray it continues to work out financially. I believe it will because I believe that this is exactly the path I've been heading to for years. I feel confident that this is right where I'm supposed to be. I am actually able to see my children growing before my very eyes. Kollin and Hunter are as big as ever. Avianna is as little as ever, but boy is she on the go. She is nearly running now. She doesn't crawl at all anymore. She says Daddy, Mama sometimes but usually Nana. She is supersweet. Oh well, that's all I've really got for now. Maybe I'll have something more to update soon. Loves.

Not a diet. A lifestyle change!!

So I know I've been talking about dieting but not actually doing anything. I think that I thought if I talked about it to enough people then that would motivate me to actually do it. Obviously that wasn't the approach that I needed. What did work for me however was watching Half ton Dad, Half ton Mom, and Half ton teen on TLC last Sunday. I was watching it thinking...what person actually lets themselves get like this? How does a person just sit by and get this huge? Suddenly the answer was clear. They get there by doing exactly what I have been doing.......that would be absolutely nothing. They enjoyed their food too much and their exercise too little. I thought to myself that if I don't do something now I'm going to end up like one of these half ton people. My eating habits really aren't terrible. My drinking habits on the other hand are awful. I drink at least a two liter a day of Sundrop. Anybody know how many calories is in a two liter of Sundrop? Just a little over 1000 calories a day in Sundrop alone....good grief!! Can you imagine? If I eat anything like an average human being then I consume around 2000 calories a day in food and then when you add in that Sundrop....well to say the least it's no wonder I'm so overweight!! Anyways those stories actually did it. I have been dieting for one week and a day. As of this morning I have lost 3lbs (yay). I have been (mostly) leaving the sundrop alone, drinking water, eating the Special K Blueberry cereal for breakfast, having an Activia yogurt for a snack, having a small sandwich or a lean pocket for lunch, having a small bowl of special k for another snack and then having a fairly normal supper but with smaller portions. I'm eating fairly often so I don't get super hungry, but I'm ditching at least 1000 calories a day by not drinking my sundrop all day. I have let myself have a few sips on a few days. I have been doing 5-10 min of yoga a day. I know that isn't much but it's all this stupid body can do for now. Hopefully I'll build up to longer before long! Anyways, I just wanted to share my small success with everybody. Hope everyone is well!!